Opinions, TU/TD

Painful Predictions: Mean-Spirited Horoscopes From a Dude Who Refuses to Believe in All of This Stuff

♈ Aries (Ram): March 21–April 19

Aries signs, the first sign per the Zodiac philosophy (“philosophy”), are traditionally courageous and unpredictable. As much as you might boast, mustering up the courage to call for a food pickup from the guy at Crazy Dough’s doesn’t require as much confidence as you might think. If God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers, you’ve been put in the reserves for the day. 

♉ Taurus (Bull): April 19–May 20

Taurus signs are supposed to be diligent and capable, but tend to let work consume them. Even if I don’t think your personality aligns with your birth date, there are plenty of BC over-achievers who’d identify with this. The world doesn’t need you to complain about how “awful” you did on the O. Chem exam today—we all know you got a 93. (The shock! The horror!)

♊ Gemini (Twins): May 21–June 21

While I mercilessly reject any Zodiac legitimacy, the one anecdotal truth I’ve seen come from it is that everyone I know who has unpromptedly (key word: unpromptedly) declared themselves a Gemini has something in common—they are all insufferable to be around. My advice? Don’t announce your sign as one of your first items of conversation with someone—especially around Fulton Hall. 

♋ Cancer (Crab): June 22–July 22

Emotional and devoted, cancers (yours truly) are supposedly great at reading people. Unfortunately for my fellow social science majors, you should still probably quit psychoanalyzing your professor 15 feet after exiting the classroom. If you speak your poorly veiled criticisms loud enough, his God Complex might give you an F Grade Complex. 

♌ Leo (Lion): July 23–August 22

Per the Zodiac, Leos are big-hearted and opinionated. Suspending my disbelief for yet another moment, I’d bet you love to pick pointless political fights on social media. I hate to break it to you, but that 13-year-old with the username “FartSmella69” doesn’t actually pose enough of a threat to democracy to justify your Twitter battles. Do your econ homework instead. 

♍ Virgo (Virgin): August 23–September 22

Virgos are humble! Or so Google says. Part of being humble, some of you might want to know, does not include publicly posting on LinkedIn how “humbled and honored” you are to announce your “prestigious” fellowship with the Department of Daddy’s Money.

♎ Libra (Balance): September 23–October 22

Libras (Librans?) seek balance and spirituality, apparently. Unfortunately for you, balancing several shot glasses on your arms as a party trick does not qualify as reflecting this trait. 

♏ Scorpius (Scorpion): October 23–November 21 

Scorpios are supposed to be ruthless and driven. I ask you to try to divert that energy (if you actually have it) toward something like a school project and not bad-mouthing roommates in a passive-aggressive housing situation that you overdramatize to your other friends twice a week. 

♐ Sagittarius (Archer): November 22–December 21

Another supposed risk-taker! Is that why you did Early Decision to get here? What an adrenaline rush. 

♑ Capricornus (Goat): December 22–January 19

Ambitious and enterprising, I’d still estimate via my Masters in Astrology degree that the Capricorn sign struggles to take a shower without passing out. Keep a friend outside the bathroom in case they hear a loud thump. 

♒ Aquarius (Water Bearer): January 20–February 18

Mysterious, self-made rebels, huh? Last I checked, self-made rebels don’t have to Venmo request their mom in Private Viewing mode for every “business trip” they take to Sunset Cantina. At least be honest about it!

♓ Pisces (Fish): February 19–March 20

Sensitivity and graciousness doesn’t mean awkwardly letting people go ahead of you in line at the Rat. It’s literally called ‘The Rat’ — it’s a cold and dingy place with no rules — so either shove your way through, or crawl back to the orderly little lines of Tully Cafe like a wuss.

September 11, 2022