The Brothers Thumbazov

Thumbs Up

Snow – Yeah, I bet you were expecting a little thumbs down action on this one, huh? But no! We here at The Heights are all about subverting expectations, switching things up, hitting them with the ol’ one-two-switcheroo. Just when you think we’re going to complain about the sudden cold, the ice-coated sidewalks, and the snow-covered boots, we give you a little flip-de-doo. We love the cold and the snow. There’s no better way to get alert for your first class than to slip in front of the door and land flat on your patookis in front of a crowd of laughing freshmen. It’s better than coffee, I tells ya.

Balconies – If you want to live a truly dramatic life, you’ll spend a lot of time on balconies, probably smoking a cigarette and gazing wistfully at the darkening horizon. “I don’t know if it’s worth it,” you’ll whisper when your friend walks out to see if you’re all right. “I’ve been fighting for justice in this neighborhood for 32 years now, and these streets don’t look no better to me.” “What are you talking about?” your friend will say. “You’ve only been alive for 20 years. Why are you talking in that weird accent? What happened to your normally impeccable grammar?” You’ll shake your head, flick your cigarette butt off the balcony, and walk back inside as the credits begin to roll.

Retrograde –  In this world of constantly shifting slang, it’s important that we jump on top of trends immediately. Everyone who’s anyone knows that the newest super-fly thing to say is “retrograde” as in “Dawg, that’s so retrograde” or “I was retrograding the other day and then I bought a keytar and dawg, it was pretty freakin’ retrograde.”

Thumbs Down

Whispered Conversations with Two-Inch Facial Separation – There’s no worse scene in a movie or television show than when two absurdly attractive people stand about half an inch away from each other and whisper about their problems. “I don’t know what we’re going to do.” “It’ll be fine babe.” “I’m scared.” “Don’t be scared. We have our love, and no one can take that away.” “What?” “What?” “I can’t hear you. Why are you whispering so softly, Paul?” “Can you avoid P-words? You just spit on my chin.” “I seriously can’t understand a word you’re saying.” These scenes are the scourge of our existence and must be eliminated.

Finding Yourself Stuck in the Bubble – No one hates jargon more than this alien, but there’s something very real about the BC Bubble. After weeks on campus, you sometimes realize that you haven’t ventured forth into the world at all, you’ve just been stuck eating, sleeping, and pretending to have done the readings in a never-ending cycle of despair. You’ll go to the city tomorrow, you decide, waggling your eyebrows decisively. But then tomorrow you have some work to do, and it’s kinda cold, so forget it. You know you’ll never break free. This is your life now. Get used to it.

Featured Image by Chuck Miller / AP Photo

April 6, 2016