One Hundred Years of Thumb

Thumbs Up

Cheddar in Your Omelette – For decades you’ve ordered your Tuesday morning omeletterino without even realizing that there were multiple cheese options. You love your country, so you just always picked American. But one day you see that yellowy stack of cheese and realize that there’s something else available, something magical. “Pop a little cheddar in that sucker,” you say, making your index fingers into small pistols and waggling them suggestively. Then, minutes later, you take your first bite and realize that this omelette tastes infinitely better than that trash you were eating earlier. It’s a brave new world, compadres, let us join hands and eat cheese until the cows come home.

No Fire Alarms in Walsh This Weekend – It’s a sad state of affairs when a lack of fire alarms gets a thumbs up. But hey, these are the times we live in.

Squirrels – Sure, they may be nothing more than furry rodents that would eat your face if given the opportunity, but you gotta love them. Every time we see one of these little fellows running around campus, it gives us a little boost of much-needed razamataz.

“Soops” – Only square cats use the term “super” anymore. Nowadays it all about “soops,” as in “Oh, man, that game of Scattergories was soops entertaining,” or “Back in the ’80s, Soviet Russia was soops commie, don’t ya know?” It’s the coolest new saying around and if you don’t start using it people will think you’re a stinking fogey.

Thumbs Down

When The Cows Never Come Home – A few thumbs back, you decided to use an idiom. It took you 27 hours to realize your terrible mistake. Now you’re stuck holding hands with some smelly, deranged-looking man while you shove cheese down your throat, your already-bloated stomach constantly expanding with the force of pounds upon pounds of cheddar cheese. Someone buy some cows, please dear God, and bring them home so that this cheese-eating, hand-holding fest can end.

Wincing Noticeably After An Awkward Social Interaction – “Hey, how are you? Have you been doing well? I haven’t seen you in forever. Do you still work at Retrograde Industries?” “Yes. Thank you.” “… so how have things been?” “Yeah. Thanks. Good.” “…” “…” “…” “How about you?” “Oh, great I’ve been-” “Good, I’m gl-” “…” “…” “What’s that?” “No, I thought you were-” “O.K.” After this painful exchange, your entire body tenses up like a kitten that’s just been shot in the paw. Your face forms a rictus of embarrassment and you wince a wince unlike all the winces that have gone before. Unfortunately, you do this while still talking to the person and just make everything worse.

Fighting an Uphill Battle – When you challenged Brandon, Duke of Fulton, to a duel you expected to win handily. But instead Brandon charged a hill and gained the high ground, forcing you to fend off his patented high-ground attacks from a weak position. If you fail, you shall bring dishonor to the ancient familial crest of the Thumb and never again shall your people rule over page A7.

Featured Image by Jan-Philipp Stroubel / AP Photo

April 27, 2016